Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

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1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment.
He that dearth is not made perfect in love.

John 14:1
Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

• A few years back I found myself in a life or death situation aiding my mother to bring my dad out of a diabetic reaction. This was a bad one, unlike other occasional ones. As my dad was unconscious, I was beckoning him to keep breathing. I'd shake his chest and talk to him. Please breath. Daddy please breath. My mom was quickly putting a glucagon shot together. She called in from the bathroom, "Kylie, you keep breathing too!" She could tell that my breath was shallow and sporadic. She was right. I was getting dizzy, nearly passing out. I had helped in many emergency situations before and had followed my mom's example of naturally being cool, calm, and collected. We had many injuries in our family. Random ones. Mom was always perfect at calmly taking care of things. I had her example to follow. Yet here I was, not realizing it in the moment, panicking. When things were stable with my dad I laid in my bed attempting to regain strength of body and mind again. Ever since that late night all my fears of sickness and death for other people began to pile up. Dad had diabetes. Grandma had debilitating arthritis. She could hardly move without pain for 40 years. Aunt Karen died from diabetes related issues. Dad's best friend, down the street died too. Prostrate cancer. Breast cancer. Heart attack. Kidney failure. Dialysis. Heart surgery. Infant loss. Undiagnosed chronic pain and sickness. Liver failure. The list goes on and on. My fear of any bodily weakness in other people became a big deal.

  
  

  As a new mom I tried my very best to keep my baby boy healthy. While I was two months pregnant (and very sick) little Sam nearly stopped breathing in the night from an intense onset of croup. He was not even sick when he went to bed and then with in twenty minutes he was gasping for any breath he could get. To the ER we went. I was terrified. After treatment we sleepily came back home. I felt like anything could go wrong at any minute. A few months later the same thing happened again. And then two weeks after giving birth to Eliza, croup came... again. Zach went to the ER while I stayed home with our two week old. We were living in my parents basement and my mom came down to help calm me down. The anxiety was overbearing. I had to just keep breathing. After this third time I just knew I didn't want to keep living with this fear. I needed to repent. I wanted to be at one with God's  fearless love, rather than remain captive in this body wrenching fear. In the moment of anything that triggered my fear I could not logically talk myself out of feeling that way. The feelings were not logical or organized, but seemed to have a life of their own as they seemed to "control me" and keep me captive. They needed to go. I decided to let God's love heal me. I decided to open my vulnerable heart to Him. To trust Him.

  
  

  Just as we pulled up to a family get together in Salt Lake, Sam started showing signs of fast onset croup. The fear began to take over. I stayed in the car as everyone went inside. But this time I just witnessed the fear. And didn't identify with it.  I saw the fear and then I saw the real, fearless, Kylie. The part of me that is so trusting in a loving God who tailors every experience for my happiness and progression. And I chose to identify with her. I said over and over "I am love, I am love" and I consciously allowed my whole, vulnerable being open to Gods love. I didn't know how to get the fear to go away but I could tell that it was not who I am and therefore I no longer wanted to identify with it, and I could open myself up to Gods love. And in that crucial moment I began to feel a real power, a tangible calm feeling flow throughout my body until it was consumed in loving light. This experience was so delicate that at any moment I could still take the fear back in, if I chose to let it be animated in my body. I could sense that the fear was around me, but not within me. The serene peace that filled me felt clear and real. I felt overwhelmed with love to care for my child and do whatever needed to be done. I was amazed and illuminated with how just opening myself to Gods love could push out the debilitating fear within. All that was required was an open-ness, a willingness.

I was so filled with this love/power that I asked God if it would be okay to send it to my son who was getting sick quickly.  I had prayed before that God would help my Sam heal from the croup but this prayer felt different. This time I felt calm. The outcome didn't matter, we could go to the ER again or he could be healed. Either way I felt guided and protected with God's love. I asked that this love/power within me be sent to Sam and let it heal him and calm him. I remained in this peaceful prayer for a few minutes and then went inside to find a little boy no longer with any signs of croup.

After this experience (and Eliza's birth experience)  with the power of love I really began to see that there was something absolutely amazing that is accessible to anyone at anytime to  overcome all things through Christ.  The effects of the fall can be removed here, now, as we willingly open to him and let him give what is needed. It's letting His will and power flow through us. And the only way he can let this happen us if are really willing and open to Him. Outward circumstances may not change, but our inner landscape can be filled with His peace, if we are willing to let go of the fear. (Or whatever is holding us back from His presence.)

Now as I write this, one year from the first croup attack, and six years from that night with my dad, I can say that God has helped me remove my once so deeply, engrained fear of sickness, calamity, and death. And He did so the instant I was willing to let go of it, and trust Him. Every day it gets better. Last week Sam had yet our fourth quick onset, sever croup attacks and guess what I was so calm and clear during the ordeal. This time it was the worst of all. He had to have three breathing treatments instead of one. He nearly was admitted to the hospital. But I didn't let the fear in. Instead I connected to the source of love. No I am not immune to the influence of fear. It always tries to knock on my door, but I heed it not and stay open and connected to Jesus. And His peace "passeth all understanding." We need not fear anything, for Christ has overcome the world. He has overcome the effects of the fall and therefore through at one ment with Him, His peace, His love, His life, His power can flow into us and become our experience and blessing.
It doesn't matter what we will experience here on this earth, as long as we are connected to He who overcame all fear. 

Alleviating Morning Sickness: What Worked for Me

Here I am barely pregnant with my second, merely surviving the nausea. I was excited to have that new baby in my arms already, but had what felt like forever to go! 

I have had so, so many conversations with other women who have struggled with pregnancy related nausea in any amount and one thing we all agree on is that it is just overwhelming to deal with. My first pregnancy it was horrible. There were days I just laid in bed and thought I was going to die because I could not keep anything down. There were nights where I crawled (not out of drama, but serious survival! ha) to the kitchen to find, once again, anything that I could possibly get any nutrients from. With my second pregnancy the nausea hit again with a vengeance and I landed in the ER, diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. Essentially something that most doctors know little about how to help with. Unlike my first pregnancy, I took any meds offered to help in anyway. They worked for about a week, gave me terrible headaches and then I just felt worse off. It was a vicious cycle.

Between both pregnancies I tried nearly every "natural" remedy I could find, or that was offered to me. I went to Naturopaths, Chiropractors, and other alternative doctors to find help. I finally made it a serious matter of prayer, because I was struggling so intensely. And what I was led to really really REALLY helped. I do not assume that it will help every pregnant woman dealing with nausea, but I am sharing in hopes that somewhere along the way it will help other woman. I have previously shared what I did and to my delight have seen other mama's nausea relieved if not removed! As always this advice is not coming from a doctor, I am simply sharing what helped me.

So here is what I used, along with trying to eat as healthy as I could ( which wasn't very healthy because I survived off of corn chips and ramen noodles!).

1. Digestive Enzymes taken after I ate anything. My favorite brands were Multizyme from Standard Process, and Raw Enzymes for Women from Garden of Life. I seriously took these all day. And they changed my life. Previously I would eat and then hours later throw up, and it looked like I had just eaten. Gross, I know. Enzymes really were heaven sent.  I got both at good earth.

2. Diglycerized Liccorice Tablets by Enzymatic Therapy . These took the edge off of all nausea. It is calming to the stomach lining and intestinal tract. I would eat 2 tablets before any food came in my mouth, and occasionally eat one after a meal if I could tell the nausea was coming on.

3. Magnesium and B Vitamin Drink by Pure Essence Labs. I took this at night, just one scoop. After reading Mommypotomus post about morning sickness I gave magnesium a try, and It wasn't an instant fix, but over a few days I noticed a lot of relief. It also was really calming to my stress from the pregnancy.

4. Sea bands, used for sea sick passengers, or travel induced nausea. I wore these 24/7 because they really helped as well. I had tan lines from them, because I nearly never took them off! What sparked my interest was that I had an acupuncturist put little bandaid needles into my wrists to help with nausea. They stayed in for a week and helped, but I could hardly stand the thought of little needles constantly in my wrists, but hey I was desperate!

These lovely little things were in both wrists, eek!

Notice the lavender  sea bands, I even slept with them on!

5. Guided Meditation and prayer practices. Throughout my 9 months of pregnancy I dealt with more than just nausea. Anxiety and Depression were also added to my struggle. (You can read about that here. ) I could not recommend more the audio tracks found at The Birth Year website.  This was the track I used that really helped titled 'Creating Hypno-Anesthesia for Pain Relief'.  Along these same lines, I had just taken an online meditation course from Felice Austin over at Tree of Life Kundalini Yoga just prior to my pregnancy that taught me some amazing meditation techniques and practices that really assisted me in eliminating and lessening the struggles of morning sickness, and the depression and anxiety.

6. This article over at Birthologie that gave me insight into I just might have a sluggish liver, and gallbladder! After giving birth my second time around I began to have gall bladder issues that mimicked my pregnancy nausea.  I wrote about how I avoided getting my gallbladder removed and how I supported it nutritionally and energetically here. I am still on a path of healing and supporting these organs, but I do believe they were overloaded and blocked up during my pregnancy due to extra hormones, which brought on the nausea. This is what my doctor has come to believe as well. Too bad we couldn't of figured this out before the pregnancy! Hopefully next time around, after working to help my liver and gallbladder, It will be much easier from the get go!

7. Sunshine! I would bundle up and go lay out side in the sun in any sunshine I could get. The cold weather triggered my nausea, but I craved the warm sun light.  Just feeling its rays on my skin renewed my spirits just enough to make it through the day.  For some reason cold air made me sick, but  clean, warm, sunlit (not stuffy!) air left me feeling refreshed. Maybe its the case for you?

Here I am SO happy to have gotten a grip on the nausea, enough that I did my hair, smiled for a picture, and left the house! Oh and notice the tan lines from the Sea bands. Gotta love it. 

I sincerely hope the things I discovered helped me can help some mama through her pregnancy journey.  It can be so difficult, when that nausea is unrelenting, especially when in carries on into the second and third trimesters! I know, I've been there! If you are dealing with any level of morning sickness know that it does get better, and that there are many women who have been there and are praying for you. I do not go a day with out praying for women making there way through any struggles with pregnancy.  After my experience, I know there are answers out there to help alleviate and potentially remove pregnancy nausea. May you find the help you need.

Kylie

Prayer and Meditation

"We pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion...Meditation is the language of the soul. It is defined as "a form of private devotion, or spiritual exercise, consisting in deep, contented reflection on some religious theme."  Meditation is a form of prayer. Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord."

President David O. Mckay (Read more of what he has to say about meditation here.)

Why pray and meditate?

I have prayed, and been around others who pray most all my life. There is power in every prayer, and God hears and answers each and every one. Yet once a prayer is offered up, the process is not complete. we must take time to listen and let the love of God wash over us.  In my desire for a better connection to God I found meditation. We all enter various levels of meditative states throughout the day, but there is great power in a consistent, intentional practice of meditation.  I have found that prayer coupled with meditation have formed a direct, personal connection to Jesus Christ, my Savior.

I find nothing more satisfying than growing in harmony with God, which is gaining a knowledge of Him, so I can emulate Him. I believe this is the purpose of life, to come to know Christ that we may be saved. The Prophet Joseph Smith said in Lectures on Faith,

"These teaching of the Savior most clearly show unto us the nature of salvation, and what he (the Savior)  proposed unto the human family when he proposed to save them-that he proposed to make them like unto himself, and he was like the Father, the great prototype of all saved beings; and for any portion of the human family to be assimilated into their likeness is to be saved; and to be unlike them is to be destroyed; and on this hinge turns the door of salvation."

How do we come to be like someone whom we do not know? Someone we have no personal experience with?

This is why I meditate. Because I have found through prayer and meditation, a rich, personal relationship with Jesus, and He is mighty to save.  He is the only one through which salvation comes. No person, no company, no object, has power to save. Salvation comes only through Jesus Christ.

Acts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Mosiah 4:8 And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is none other salvation save this which hath been spoken of;

How I Pray

 There are many many ways to pray and to meditate. Read in the bible dictionary under prayer. Standing, arms out stretched, laying down, kneeling down, prostrate, etc. The current model of prayer to fold arms and bow the head was originally started to help little children focus during a prayer, so I have been told. There are times we pray certain ways in specific settings. I am focusing my thoughts on personal prayer.

I find it very refreshing to pray in an open, receptive position. Body position does have an effect on our  feelings and thoughts, and I have found when my body is positioned open and receptive, that I feel open and receptive to God. It can be difficult to do so when struggling with feelings contrary to humility, but I find it all the more helpful to bring me to a submissive and humble state. The thought of a beggar comes to mind. Someone who open handed, humbly is asking for whatever can assist them. This is what I want to imitate. I want to be open to what God will tell me or give me, because it is always the best. This quote is helpful...

"Is not the cupped hand recognized everywhere as the beggar's petition? Is it not a symbol of beseeching? Does it not remind us of how we look to our Father in Heaven for all we have? In this simple physical symbol we see how Christ's power to ordain and control power, principalities, thrones, dominions, under His almighty hand is linked inevitably to openness, the uncontrolling, and petitioning handwhich has been lovingly extended in cupping shape. His hand is never clenched, tight, controlling. An open hand is a sign of both Christ and His true messengers. They like Him, will show forth love, openness, and the kind of gentle petitioning and beckoning that is seen in the beggar's cupped hand for us to follow. They will never claim authority except to bless or ordain." (Come Let Us Adore Him)

 Sometimes I dance my prayers. Sometimes I sing my prayers. I find any way that connects me to Jesus is invaluable. There is power and beauty in free movement and expression in the privacy of prayer.  I very often free write my prayers onto paper and let that open up into pure communication with God. This has been helpful when prayer seems stagnant, or unfruitful.  Be creative with how you connect to God, for there are many ways to not only speak to Him, but to open your heart to Him.

Prayer naturally leads me into meditation, or vice versa, meditation opens the doors for real communion. I try and follow what I feel would be most helpful for me to connect from day to day, but with some meditation techniques it is very beneficial to daily practice the same meditation, at least for 40 days. Meditation and prayer are not an end in themselves, but a vehicle to take a person into the presence of God, where our real identity is clear, where God's love, peace, healing, comfort, freedom, strength, blessing, power, mind and will are. It is when we connect to Him that His promised blessings flow. This is all within us, it is our own personal experience with Deity.

How I Meditate
Initially I thought some forms of meditation were too confusing and complicated. I began my meditation journey learning from LDS Yogi Phil McLemore in an article called "The Yoga of Christ". I then contacted Him and attended some wonderful workshops.  My eyes were opened to the need for me to really connect to God, and break out of my current habitual prayers, which by the way I did not realize that is what they had become.  I then read a beautiful book "The Gift of Giving Life" which had an essay about meditation and childbirth. I contacted the author, Felice Austin, and found a whole new form of meditation, Kundalini yoga and meditation. I took her 6 week introduction class, and although felt like this was way out of my "comfortable-traditional box" I meditated onward because I had received an answer from God to continue doing so, and that 'by there fruits, ye shall know them.' And boy did the fruits come. I am currently taking her Christ centered Rebirthing Class, and I could not recommend it enough. There are just so many resources out there. I have named only a few I have enjoyed through the years.

With all meditation and energy healing techniques, you take it to the Lord and find His guidance. There are teachers and 'healers' out there who are not Christ centered, and there are many who are. There are some meditative practices that do not resonate or call out to me, and there are others that do. I have found that Christ leads me to learn what I need so that I can better commune with Him.

I have been led to learn and practice multiple forms. Among my favorites are Kirtan Kriya meditation,  breathing exercises like Breath of Fire and Alternate Nostril Breathing, Breath Awareness Meditation, Guided Meditations and many different Kundalini Yoga Kriyas. Some of my favorite guided meditations and teachings are by Tara Brach, she has tons of free audios here.
She also has lots of great resources on her website. I also really enjoy the meditations and information in the book and CD titled "Full Body Presence: Learning to Listen to Your Body's Wisdom" by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana.

I find that as my relationship with God deepens, and expands that I find myself intuitively seeing and feeling what it is that will bring me into greatest union with Deity. Sometimes I visualize a color that comes to mind, or I feel a place in my body or spirit that needs love, or I look inward and a beautiful place is created all around me where I then can worship and talk to not only God the Father, but others who are on the other side of the veil doing the will of the Father. Gods capacity to teach us and converse with us is only limited by our own beliefs as Christ spoke about in Ether 4 ( I especially like verses 12-15). We are kept within the veil because of unbelief. God is anxious and desirous for us to come through the veil to learn from Him and rest in His embrace. Our knowledge and experience with God is dependent upon our "diligence and faithfulness in seeking after Him, until like Enoch, the brother of Jared, and Moses they shall obtain faith in God, and power with him to behold him face to face."(Lecture 1:55)  This is discussed in further detail in Lectures of Faith.

The point being, there are many meditation techniques out there. Find the ones that you resonate with, and let the practice of meditation bring you into greater unity with God. Some techniques really deal with specific energy systems of the body, or have specific healing outcomes. Many of the Kundalini Yoga Kriyas have been providential for me in removing stumbling blocks and false beliefs.  I try my best to follow God's direction as things come into or out of my life, out of no coincidence. The more meditation 'tools' I have had in my understanding, the easier it has been for me to be aided in difficult moments when I really need the assistance of God.

A wonderful blessing that comes from regular prayer and meditation is that it becomes easier to connect to God in every experience that comes in your life, good times and difficult times. Why? Because you begin to have a rich history of personal experience with God and His majesty.  God no longer is an idea or a theory or someone you hear about or talk about in a Sunday school lesson, but the mystery of God, namely who He is and what He does actually begins to be unfolded to you. And nothing, absolutely nothing is as satisfying (or fun!) as growing in harmony with God.


Will you share your insights into how you like to Pray and Meditate? I really find value in new insights and ideas. Please share!


Kylie

4 Year Anniversary Recap

It has been 4 inspiring years married to my best friend. It is amazing how quickly time goes by. So here is a quick recap of where we've been and what we have acomplished.

Feb. 2010
Married for time and all eternity.

August 2010

Together attended Snow College where we lived 2 of our favorite years of our lives. Love the small town.

November 2010
Found out we were expecting! We had an instantaneous dance party we we found out.

I survived the pregnancy, through some amazing miracle. and....

Gave birth to a very tiny, piece of heaven.
Sam Power 07.01.2011
4.8oz
born 35 weeks after a long and transforming unmedicated birth
healthy, but small
and so precious

He didn't know about all this earth "stuff"

but quickly learned that its pretty good. 

 Sam forever imprinted love on our hearts. He made me a mother. Oh how sweet the memories. 

We were extremely blessed with our little Johnny cousins presence for 7 months before He returned back to heaven. We love little Johnny with a vengeance.

August 2011

Johnny deeply impacted the way I have and will always mother my children. Such a beautiful soul. Sam and Johnny were born 6 months apart. 

Sam grew bigger and bigger. And his adorableness and bold personality shone through. 

December 2012

We found out we were expecting our number 2 love. I were thrilled. Again, I survived a difficult pregnancy. We sacrificed so much for this little lady to make her appearance. And she was more than worth it. 

August 2012

The day before Eliza was born. 

Eliza Mae Power 

8.8.13

5.4oz

born 37 weeks, after a short and loving, unmedicated birth

brought with her a pervading peace and calm presence. 

She grew and so did our happiness. Sam and Eliza became little buddies. 

Zach and I have been there for each other through so many wonderful and difficult situations. Pictures, or any amount of writing could not document it. Marriage and family life has been absolutely trans-formative.

For our anniversary we had a 'Family Birthday Party' to celebrate the birth of our family. We watched our wedding video, all went to dinner, had a birthday cake cause our family is 4! and opened a family present. I am so grateful for Zach, and for our little family. 

 As always, more memories ahead, and more pictures to come! 

Kylie

My Journey: Part III

Finding His Rest

"Come unto me all ye who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." Matthew 11: 28-30

"The words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do." 2 Nephi 32:3

"The ability to quality for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life." Julie Beck (And upon my Handmaidens in those days will I pour out my Spirit)

Many times throughout the scriptures Christ asks us to keep His commandments. He does so for numerous reasons a few of them being when we keep His commandments we prosper, we abide in His presence, we receive protection from enemies, we are delivered from bondage, enemies have no power over us, we will be led by God, we receive promised blessings, we will be kept and preserved, the list goes on. One of the most repetitious blessings offered is that by keeping His commandments we are not cut off from the Lord's presence, but that we live within His presence. And within His presence the mind and will of God is found.

As a teenager I tried to compile a list of the 'commandments' we were to keep. I wanted to make sure I was keeping them all so I would be "righteous". My list became longer and longer. As I looked down the list I felt I could check most of them off. Wow I was so righteous! (or so I thought). The problem with this method of checking of a "commandment list" is that it is easy to become critical and accusatory of others who are not 'keeping the commandments', as well as assuming a false personal righteousness. 

Further in my studies I read in Mosiah were King Benjamin says that he cannot tell us all the ways that "ye may commit sin, for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them"(Mosiah 4:29). And I thought then there must also be so many ways to obey and be righteous that they cannot be numbered! 

In a Greek class, taught by a retired BYU greek professor, he said that a more adequate translation of "Keep my commandments" would be "Stand watch as a sentry, awaiting my every instruction." A Sentry is a guard, or a watchman. And we are to be diligent like that guard, awaiting Christ's every instruction to us. What comes to mind is a person driving to church on Sunday morning and they get the feeling to go check on sister so and so. But they are keeping the commandment to go to church, and that is righteous. But no, go check on sister so and so. So what do they do? Obviously follow the personal instruction. The way to navigate the confusion that is out there is to hold to the Iron Rod. And what is the iron rod? The Word of God. Christ is the Word of God. We are to hold fast to him and what He instructs us to do that we will receive of His Love, His mighty love that saves and sustains. 

The general commandments are guidelines that keep us from harm. But they are not the end all. The scribes and pharisees were stuck observing these outward commandments. What they lacked was a personal relationship with Christ, a willingness to do what He asks. They lacked this entirely that they could not even recognize who Christ was, they could not recognize His teachings or message. If we are to follow Christ I believe it begins with following His instruction, and doing so will lead us to where He is. It will lift us to be as He is. 

The imagery of The Good Shepard is priceless. Christ leads the sheep away and out of the grasps of the strangers, the thief's and robbers. And how does He do this? With His voice. 

"the sheep here his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before the, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers. "(John 10:3-5)

When in the chaotic moments that come to all of us, I have experienced how when I listen and follow the Saviors voice within my heart He leads me to a portion of salvation or rest that may be experienced as soon as we are willing to let Him lead. He has saved me from anger, frustration, unforgiveness, resentment, deep fear, physical pain, emotional pain, and the list can go on and on. He is come that we might have life more abundantly (John 10:10). I have found this to be very literal. He is come that  His life may flow through us. When that flow of life is blocked or cut off from our sinful states, it creates chaos within. Turning to Christ, willing to receive His every instruction will free us from that inner chaos and we will have life more abundantly with in us. I believe Christ asks us to keep His commandments that we may enter into His rest. He not only wants us to abide the general commandments,  but more importantly he is wanting us to connect directly to Him, and let Him guide us back into the presence of the Father where we may partake of the Love of God. 

Back to John 15:10 "If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love" shows the pattern of coming to the powerful Love that is also shown in the vision of the tree of life beginning in 1 Nephi 8. Hold to the words of Christ, the voice of Christ, the instruction of Christ and it will lead to Gods Love, and here in this Love, all things are overcome. This is His rest. 

All my experiences considered, the process and the sacrifice required for me to come to a personal knowledge of of how to enter into the rest of the Lord each moment was deeply worth it.  Coming out of the deepest pain in my life brought me to an understanding that only personal knowledge of Gods love can satisfy the longings within and overcome the incredible darkness we have or will face. Following Christ voice to  is the only way out of the darkness and pain. Following His voice is coming unto Him, and when we really come to Him He blesses us with a mighty blessing, that is worth every sacrifice imaginable. 

All that is required of us is a willingness, and openness to be led by Him. 

D&C 64:34 "Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days. 

I made it my mantra that "No matter how difficult, awkward, uncomfortable, or inconvenient, I will listen and cheerfully follow the voice of the Lord." Doing so has opened an unbelievable amount of Gods salvation, love and joy into my life in every circumstance that I have been faced with.  Jesus is the Savior, and He makes it possible for us to find satisfaction and respite within. 

Part I here. 

part II here. 

My Journey: Part II

The Power of Love

"We should not expect peace, or freedom, of faith or any other such gift from our divine head if our acceptance of His leadership is lukewarm, or grudging. If it is ritual rather than real righteousness we should not expect a reward. A detached, aloof allegiance is for him no allegiance at all. Our submission must be full, wholehearted and unstinting." 

Elder Christopherson, (You are Free)

Adding Eliza to our family was such a joy. She brought a balanced, happy, presence with her that all could feel immediately after her birth. Her birth was a wonderful, deeply surrendering experience that taught me the incredible power of Love. Deep inside me I was terrified for her birth. I had felt an abandonment by God during the pregnancy, so how was I to rely on Him to help me through her birth experience? Yet I knew I could not do it on my own. But I held onto the illusion that I could. I wanted so dearly to solve my internal struggles before she was born. But it did not happen. Labor came and it shocked me with the intensity that only a mother knows. I fell to my knees  and did my best to just "ride the wave" as I so often heard from other mothers.  My head kept telling me, "This is much harder than Sam's birth. I don't remember it being this difficult. I can't do this."

 Each wave left me awestruck and speechless, until I was deeply lost beneath the pain. In my moment of greatest struggle something instinctively whispered to me to "connect with  Love".  I began expressing love. I told the midwife I loved her. I told my husband I loved him. I called out that I loved everyone, and I meant it. And something amazing happened, in my complete surrender to love, the pain began to subside. A miraculous peace and calm slowly flowed within me. I  focused on what needed to be done, and I was willing to do anything to birth this baby.  I began to breath and silently express love.  Love for my baby. Love for those helping me.  It was the only thing I held on to, the only thing I could hold onto. Everything else had failed me. Within minutes Eliza was born.

I was lost in this world of endorphin's and relief as I held her close to me. Not only had I just given birth to a beautiful soul, but I felt something shift in me. In my surrender I had found something that never will fail. Something strong enough to overcome all things. Something that healed me. It was Love.

With the weeks that followed Eliza's birth I lived off of Love.  In joking Zach said during a 2 am feed that I might have to start using energy drinks to keep up with a toddler and a new baby. I smiled from my rocking chair and said, "No Zach, Love is my stimulant." We laughed, but I was serious inside. I was witnessing, living, experiencing how Love overcomes all things. A phrase came to mind, "Let go of your expectations and Love." I used this as a mantra all day. When my toddler would not go to bed and was wild and restless, or when I had a fussy new baby that just could not be consoled, or when my very tired, hungry husband came home needing my support, I would let go of my expectation that everyone should console and love and help me first. I would let go of my expectation that I wanted my toddler to sleep now so I could do what I wanted. I let go of my expectation that my husband should only help me because 'I am the one so tired and exhausted from taking care of the kids'. You see? I was letting go of my selfishness. I was letting go of the belief that somehow people and circumstances controlled my peace and happiness. When I let the expectation of how I expected people to be, or how I expected my life to be, Love began to flow within me. And this Love was powerful. It sustained, it overcame raw emotion, it gave me energy when I thought I was going to flop on the floor, it gave me clarity of mind, it gave me a gentle demeanor, it gave me a stamina to deal with every emotionally charged situation.

Here I am up late at night with a sad baby (with the bathroom fan on) but full of love. I seriously could have gone on for hours.  I wanted to take a picture for myself to remind myself how God's love sustains us. Nerdy, I know.

I noted that in every difficult situation that arose there was this gentle voice in my heart that was telling me what I "should" be doing to help me through the crazy moments.  And this voice was always a voice of Love. I found that listening and following this voice was not always convenient, comfortable, easy, or enjoyable but, when I listened and followed it I was led to this mighty Love. And I craved this love, because I saw and felt what it could do. So I listened and followed.

In my scripture study I came across a verse that explained this process in which I had found all that I needed from moment to moment to have joy.

John 15:10
 If ye keep my commandments ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. 
These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.


This was it! This was the answer to my struggle. To my pain.  God had not abandoned me. God is and always was there and He is love.  He  sustains our very lives with His love. I had shut Him out with my struggle. I had let it make me bitter, not better.

From this process I internalized some very important truths.

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1. Love heals, and strengthens all people, and circumstances. Moroni 7:45-48

2. God is Love. 1 John 4:8

3. This Love is found by obeying the commandments given personally to you. These commandments tell you "all things that ye should do" as discussed in 2 Nephi 32:3.

4. Regardless of outward circumstances, the result of obedience to His personal commandments is love and inner peace. John 16:33

5. Love never fails. In every situation and condition Love will not fail you, but will give you exactly what you need. Moroni 7:45-47

6. Nothing can separate you from this Love. It is always accessible. Romans 8:35-39

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I believe that Christ overcame all things through Love. And he gained this Love through ultimate submission to the will of the Father IN ALL THINGS. He obeyed, and Love carried him through and healed him of our broken-ness. Just as Christ made the atonement possible through complete submission, so we gain access to that same atonement through our submission to God.  God is not hostile. He is Love. And when we surrender to that Love that He offers us, our wills become one, full of love for ourselves, and other people. This power heals and sustains and satisfies even the most broken soul, and it never fails. Give it a try.

"Of all that can be said of Our Lord, it is His love which distinguishes Him most. He is the greatest because He loves more than any of us. He is the greatest, but He acts as the least. His message is delivered by entreaty. When we finally see Him as He is, we will recognize Him as the very definition of love; for God is love. (1John 4:8) In turn, His followers will learn to love. " (Come Let us Adore Him)

I sincerely would love to hear your experiences with how Love has healed you, or the story of your beautiful surrender.  This is overcoming all things through Christ. You may email me or post in the comments. kyliefpower@gmail.com

Much love,

Kylie


to read Part I of my journey see this post.

to read Part III of my journey see this post.

My Journey: Part I

Life's Sweetness Lost

After all the joy and excitement of learning that I was expecting our second child I crashed into a a horribly dark place. I am filled with compassion even as I think of those still living “there”. Depression and anxiety became constant companions. It happened all so quickly, and was so deadening.  I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum after a trip to the hospital at 8 weeks gestation after keeping no food or water down for over 24 hours. The physical nausea was very difficult, but nothing compared to the emotional, spiritual, and mental upheaval that ensued. Words truly cannot describe that darkness. 

I felt utterly abandoned by God during those 9 months. This crushed my heart. Where was love? Why could I not be comforted? Many around me were serving me, caring for me and lifting my outward burdens, but on my internal landscape all I felt was sadness, sorrow, and bitterness that overcame me. I became lost in it.  Many a time I prayed and prayed that I could just feel God’s love. I had read in the scriptures where Christ promised peace to those who followed him, but where was he now? In my greatest time of need? I stopped praying to God because I felt so forsaken. Could He not offer just a tiny ray of his supposed light and love?

This was all very real. It scared me to see how critical and doubting I had become. Since my birth I was blessed with a believing, faithful, heart. I loved God and had learned about Him. But here I was doubting His very existence and love. It was difficult for those around me to see this. I tried to keep it to myself, but it wold overflow as I was pained with such confusion and loss. I had never experienced this magnitude of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional trauma in my life. It truly shook everything I thought I knew about God and life, and crumbled it to pieces. Strangely, this is right where God wanted me. 

As the physical pains subsided around 25 weeks in my pregnancy, I felt some relief, but there was a a searing sadness that came as I tried to understand why God, my God who I loved, had seemingly abandoned me in my moment of need. Other than my family around me, most everyone else had no idea what I was struggling with. 

I attempted to pray one night. I wanted so badly to pierce through the dense, ever present darkness and grief, to just have a glimpse of who God really was. I was not sure if I wanted to know Him, if all He wanted to offer me was this pain that was to given me for  ‘experience’. I recalled the prophet Joseph Smith in a living hell in Liberty Jail where God told him that all Joseph’s wretched pain was ‘for his good’. I could not see a loving God in this. Did not Christ say “come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Where was this rest? I was somewhat hesitant to begin searching for it, because after my experiences, I was lacking trust in God. 

As I timidly began praying, it felt uncomfortable and stale. I had heard many times never to ask “Why me” or “why is this happening”, but that is what I wanted to know. Why did I feel abandoned? Why was I internally broken. Before the anxiety and depression came I had been at my all time harmony with God. I had many insightful studies and was learning about how God can heal anything. Why then did he not heal me? I no longer cared about being healed from my severe physical pains from my pregnancy, all I wanted was to feel peace inside. And it just didn't come. I more than ever needed healing. I recognized that the internal unrest made the physical challenges more challenging. 

And then, a simple answer came. No overwhelming love, or freedom from my pain, but just a steady, calm answer “This is right where I want you”. Although this appears as if it would make my bitterness at God increase, It didn’t. I laughed. Why would God want me in such a doubting, negative place? I am questioning His existence for goodness sake, and struggling to even pray! Yet, I felt a truthfulness to this, I was right where I needed to be. That is, right where I needed to be so that He could teach me who He really is, and What he really does for those who unyieldingly trust in him. My false beliefs and false foundations needed to come down before any healing.

And my journey began. I needed to know who God was, who He is, what He does, so that I could obtain salvation. Literally saved from the hellish state I was living. I had experienced in portion, the bitterness of hell. I knew in part what an absence of His spirit was like, and I knew that nothing could satisfy the pains of mind, body and spirit. I had tried finding satisfaction enough to heal my physical pains, it was nowhere to be found. I had tried finding satisfaction enough to comfort my broken, deeply bitter soul, and there was none to be found. I knew that if I wanted to rise above all the darkness, grief, sorrow, pain, sickness, anger, you name it, I needed a Savior. Someone who had the power, and desire to step in, remove the pain, and awaken within me what is needed to be like Him. And if He was going to save me in such a way, I needed to come to know him. How could I be like Him, if I do not know who He is, or what He is like. 

Read part II here.